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Friday, September 30, 2005

I Might Have Been a Professor, He Had His Heart Set On It

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Thursday, September 29, 2005


Most cats say Miaow. Mine says Mbau.


There's no such word. Though maybe there should be.

No Direction Home

The big revelation: Dylan sounds just like Larry David. Get this man on Curb Your Enthusiasm right away!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Conundrum (cont.)

A two-pence piece and a penny.

One of them isn't a two-pence piece, I said. It isn't. The other one is.


Two coins. Together they add up to three pence, but one of them is not a two-pence piece.

What are they?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Western Samoa

I greatly admire Samoa's national anthem which goes, according to Peter Ustinov, "Well done, Samoa! Well done, Samoa! Well done!" As Samoa has never done anything, this is doubly endearing.

(Nancy Banks Smith, The Guardian, 11 August 2005).

Monday, September 26, 2005

Anthropophagy (cont.)

When the oddly named Alferd E Packer, a 19th-century gold digger, was caught in a Colorado blizzard, he ate all five of his companions. As the judge, audibly incensed, put it: "Stand up, Alferd Packer, you voracious, man-eating son-of-a-bitch!" (You just knew the trial wasn't going well for Alferd.) "There are seven democratic voters in my county and you ate five of them!"

(Nancy Banks Smith, The Guardian, 25 August 2005)

Sunday, September 25, 2005


If I was a cannibal, it'd be less for the pleasure of devouring my fellow man than of vomiting him back up afterwards.

Emil Cioran. I paraphrase.

The Cowboy Look

Still on the subject of mail order brides, Natalia of Kharkov -- the cowboy look is so passé! Otherwise you look fine. She says: 'I'm looking for a man who has intention to create family, he should have the sense of humor and at the same time he will be intelligent and moderate with great power of spirit.'

Natalia 2, also of Kharkov, has gone for more of a fishwife-caught-in-the-rain look. Fishwife as in that dress makes you look like a fish. The scales, I mean. Otherwise you look fine. She says: 'I don't wait for the meeting with an ideal man but I believe that there is my Prince in this world. I would like him to be kind, honest, loving and sincere.'

Further browsing, not necessarily of women called Natalia, suggests that the tigerskin look is hot in Ukraine, that 'lie and dullness' remain a no-no, but 'sportive and sympathetic' are definite plusses.

All genuine offers passed on in confidence.

Dream Jobs

Hurricane namer
Panda tamer
Own body double
Superhero, Dr Dozealot
Paint drying-watcher

Mail Order Brides

The winner of my narwhal competition is He knows a lot, a scary amount in fact, about swimming pool chemicals and mail order brides. Since I've now turned on 'word verification', I may not have the pleasure of his correspondence in future. But as my small tribute to, I've left his comment up. He was a friend of mine.


Sir Isaac Newton, inventor of the catflap.

His finest day's work.


Free narwhal burger for first posting in the Comments box. Preferably in answer to the question, How do narwhals kiss?

Antarctic Time

Just to let you know, we're on Antarctic time here. It helps with knowing when the pubs on Elephant Island shut. Their karaoke nights are unmissable.

Val's Hand's Off

As seen on 'Cleaning in Progress' sign. Don't trip on the water and break your hip -- because if you do you're going to have to look at Val's severed hand too. You have been warned!

Mount Puke

Mount Puke is a volcano, I might point out. Probable disyllabic pronunciation and thus failure of attempted vomit gag NOTED IN ADVANCE.

Wallis and Fortuna (cont.)

Do you think the people on Wallis say, Yeah, you guys on Fortuna, you think you're so great, but you're nothing, and the people on Fortuna say, It's always Wallis this, Wallis that, you won't be laughing so much when Mount Puke does like the name says all over you -- we're the best and everyone knows it.

Do they? We need to know.

Wallis and Fortuna

By tradition, no building on Wallis and Fortuna should be taller than a coconut tree.

Much taller, however, are the majestic slopes of Mount Puke (760m).

Time Flies

Times flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx said that.

Observe the Feuilletonist at Work

Have you ever been reading the papers, your papers in a cafe, when someone comes up and says Can I have these? meaning, the ones you're not currently reading. And you have to say No, they're mine. Isn't that annoying? No you can't, they're mine! Get your own!

Land of Nod

Good morning, sleep well did we? Yes thank you, and you? Yes thank you, and you? Very well, thank you, getting on now isn't it? Yes, time for bed I think, and you? Looks like it. Well, good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Just Because

You will do it because I say so. Because you know it's wrong and because I tell you to and for no other reason. Do. It. Right. Now.


Bundoran is a charming town. I go there when I can. You should too.

Cat's Bum

A mind like a cat's bumhole: unobtrusive, tidy after its fashion, but still not something you'd fancy getting too close to, and best kept well out of sight; except when you least expect it there it is, right in your face. But snap your fingers or shift in your chair and it's gone. And for that much let us be thankful.

We're So Great

We're so great, my wife, my children, my beautiful children. Great, great, great. Or rather, they are. Me, I'm kind of annoying.

Second Cup

The second coffee cup is never as good as the first. Never, never, never. And yet you have it anyway.

Bloody Nose

Georgia Sam, he had a bloody nose. Welfare department wouldn't give him no clothes!